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You and your child
 Some
common
parental mistakes
1. Having
unrealistic expectations
2. Relying on punishment alone
3. Sermonizing and dramatizing
4. Punishing without warning
5. Extending punishment too long
6. Failing to give clear directions
7. Establishing too many rules
Pitfall 1: Having Unrealistic
Expectations
Not only must you have reasonable
expectations for the rate of change, you
need to have realistic expectations for what
your child can achieve. You must see your
child as he/she is--not as who you thought
he was or who he ought to be. If your child
has a developmental disorder, it's
unreasonable to expect him "to act his age"
without training. Similarly, most children
with ADHD are easily distracted by anything
that crosses their radar screen at the
moment. Therefore, when you send your child
upstairs to put his shoes on, he may never
come back. The fact that his younger sister
returns promptly should not be your measure
of whether your child with ADHD can
realistically be expected to do so. Nagging,
yelling, and lecturing won't increase his
ability to successfully complete the task.
You are increasing his stress level and
raising your own blood pressure. Unrealistic
expectations frustrate parents and defeat
their children. Knowing what your child is
reasonably capable of achieving makes it
easier to recognize incremental progress.
Based on past performance, what would
constitute improvement? Using this measure
assures that your expectations are
reasonable. Stepping back and focusing on
what your child is actually doing (not what
you wish he'd be doing) will help you
recognize progress when it occurs.
Pitfall 2: Relying on Punishment Alone to
Change Behaviour
The children who most challenge us are
usually those who have been punished the
most. Although this approach comes naturally
to parents, it does not result in effective
behavioural change. Punishment doesn't change
behaviour because it does not teach your
child a better way to behave.
Despite the fact that it hasn't worked,
parents keep right on punishing their kids
"to make them behave." They punish and
punish until "there is nothing left to take
away." These children descend into a cycle
of misbehaviour that results in their digging
a hole from which they cannot emerge. To
break this cycle, you need to help your
child climb out of that hole by looking for
positive behaviour and rewarding it as soon
as you see it.
Pitfall 3: Sermonizing and Dramatizing at
the Point of Infraction
Punishment can interrupt the behaviour for
the moment. Your child may (if you're lucky)
make the connection between the penalty and
his own behaviour but not if he attributes it
to your outburst. The more talking you do
when a child misbehaves, the less likely
your message will get through. Emotion
diminishes the capacity to think, let alone
speak. And since this isn't one of those
Hallmark moments, when your child is
interested in hearing what you have to say,
why say anything?
Pitfall 4: Punishing Without Warning
Imposing punishment without previously
having told your child exactly what the
consequences of his behaviour would be
invites meltdown. Your child can only make
the connection between his behaviour and the
punishment if he knows what the punishment
will be in advance. Otherwise, he believes
you're being unfair. Prevent meltdowns by
posting lists of infractions with specific
penalties that will be imposed every time.
This eliminates arguments and helps your
child make the connection between punishment
and his own behaviour. Punishment without
warning is unfair and perpetuates your
child's notion that the punishment is a
function of parental whim rather than a
consequence of his own behaviour.
Pitfall 5: Extending Punishment Too Long
Taking away a toy or privilege for an
extended time only teaches your child to do
without it. This may not be bad, but it
probably isn't what you'd intended.
Moreover, the longer he goes without, the
more likely he will focus his resentment on
you rather than connecting its loss to his
own behaviour. Punishments that last too long
usually end up punishing the parent and the
whole family as much or more than the child.
Moreover, extended loss of a toy or
privilege doesn't make sense. There's no
logical relationship between leaving a
bicycle outside and not being allowed to
ride it, because the penalty doesn't teach
the child to put it away. Short-term loss of
bike-riding privileges paired with the
following procedure will more likely teach
him to put it away.
If your child
leaves his bike out he;
1) loses the privilege to ride for the next
twenty-four hours and
2) can't ride again until he has practiced
ten times walking the bike between the point
where he left it and where it belongs,
parking it with the kickstand down each
time. He can't ride any bike (not just his
own) until he fulfils both requirements.
When you take
something away for a long time, you deny
your child the opportunity to handle that
item or privilege appropriately. Grounding a
teen for being late precludes the
possibility of practicing checking his watch
and coming in on time. Taking away toys for
a month when your child fails to put them
away doesn't give him practice at tidying
up. Eventually, he'll be adept at putting
his toy away because that's all he will
have--one toy. You will have taken the rest
away.
Pitfall 6: Failing to Give Clear Directions
Only give directions when you are
prepared to enforce them.
Unless you are willing to get up and
ensure immediate compliance, avoid using the
term now. You're inadvertently teaching your
child to ignore you when you delay or don't
follow up your direction to, for example,
"turn off the television now." What child in
his right mind would promptly respond when
experience tells him that no one will check
for at least ten minutes? If you tell your
child he must pick up his room before he
gets to play outside, don't convey that it's
all right to ignore your direction by not
checking that he has done what you have
asked.
Pitfall 7: Establishing Too Many Rules
Too many rules frustrate everyone. Your
child has no chance of remembering (much
less abiding by) all of them if you can't
even keep track of them. An excessive number
of rules makes consistency between parents
impossible and enforcement a function of
whoever is present, their mood, and what
they remember. Too many guidelines lead to
arbitrary parenting, which can make a child
angry. Then, when he can't meet your
expectations, you'll fall into the trap of
pointing out each of his errors. When he
continually fails to get your approval, your
child feels like a failure.
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