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7 Parenting Tactics
that Can Damage Your Child’s Self-Esteem
 Many parenting techniques
do
not only damage the parent-child
relationship but lower children’s
self-esteem too. Fact: children need to grow
up with a healthy amount of self-esteem -
they’ll then be more able to take the knocks
of life and to bounce back. And: they’ll be
better at making their own judgements about
what is right and wrong - which is
particularly important during their teenage
years when peer pressure is strong, and
they’ll be encouraged to try alcohol,
cigarettes and drugs.
Avoid:
Bribes. Example: ‘If you feed the dog, you
can have your pocket money.’ Note: rewarding
children is okay, but avoid bribes -
children need to learn at an early age that
they just have to do some things such as
cleaning their room because they’re
responsible family members, not because
they’re paid to do it. Wise: encourage them
to take responsibility for appropriate tasks
as early as possible so that it becomes a
habit; it’s easier than introducing the idea
later on. Even a toddler can be encouraged
to tidy away crayons.
Threats. Example: ‘If you don’t tidy your
room, you’ll not be playing out today.’ Tip:
threats are no better than bribes. Why: we
often let our children get away with things,
so they soon learn that the first threat is
meaningless because we don’t follow through
on it. They then assume that other threats
will be equally irrelevant. Bottom line: if
you issue a threat, make it clear that it’s
a one and only, final warning - and carry it
out if necessary. It’s then far less likely
that you’ll have to issue threats in the
future.
Nagging. Example: ‘Haven’t you finished your
homework yet?’ Problem: the nagging parent
starts to assume responsibility for the
child, who never learns to be responsible
for their own actions - which is fundamental
if their self-esteem is to grow. The child
doesn’t need to accept responsibility
because Mum or Dad is always there to do it
for them! Better: do nothing, and there will
be a natural consequence of your child’s
failure to act. Typical: they will be
scolded by their teacher for not doing the
work - and a child who is embarrassed at
being reprimanded is far more likely to take
responsibility for themselves in future.
Criticising. Example: ‘You’ve not done that
properly have you?’ Truth: even if the
parent is trying with the best intentions to
help the child to learn by pointing out
their mistakes, this criticism is often
resented by the child. Important: children
need positive rather than negative
recognition to enhance their self-esteem.
Wiser: a parent should constantly try to
catch their child doing something right -
and praise that.
Smacking. Most experts agree that smacking
as a means of disciplining a child should be
avoided. Why: in the short-term it may be
effective, but long-term it just builds
resentment. Details: a child who is smacked
and feels it was too mild may reason that
they got what they wanted so it’s worth the
trade-off. But if they think you’ve smacked
them too hard, they’ll feel you haven’t been
fair and this will lead to rebellion.
Passing the buck. Example: ‘You just wait
until your father gets home, and hears about
this!’ But: even a two-hour wait is an
eternity for a child and by that time
there’s no link between the already -
forgotten incident and the punishment.
Outcome: this simply bewilders the child.
Better: any punishment should be carried out
on the spot.
Giving insincere praise. Example: ‘Isn’t
that wonderful. You are a clever boy’.
Essential: don’t ever give false praise to a
child - this is detected easily even by
small children, and eventually they’ll lose
trust in you. Best: find something that you
can praise genuinely. Example: Your marks
have gone up in the weekly spelling test,
and you’ve worked very hard. I’m really
pleased with that.’ This is money in the
bank; you’ve acknowledged that your child
has achieved something and given recognition
for it, and you’ve boosted their self-esteem
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